Global Conspiracy Alert
Don’t say I didn’t warn you
I know that I usually use this space to cover fairly light hearted fluff like the suffocation of true diversity by forces like political correctness but when I noticed this today I could not ignore it…
That’s right, Pizza Hut claims they use more than 700 million pounds of pepperoni per year. They also claim that they use 300 million pounds of cheese each year, making them the “world’s largest user of cheese”. Are you with me yet? No? Fine, I’ll spell it out for you. What do you think weighs more, the amount of cheese on a typical Pizza Hut pizza or the pepperoni? Clearly the cheese would weigh more. Add to that the fact that pretty much every pizza contains cheese (sometimes even inside the crust) but frequently pepperoni is omitted from the list of ingredients in favor of sausage, ham, chicken or bacon* (more on this later). I’ve even heard that some people (probably commies) eat their pizza with no variety of animal flesh at all. Despite all of these facts Pizza Hut claims to use pepperoni in a 2.33:1 ratio to cheese, by weight. It’s preposterous, ridiculous, outrageous and absurd.
This, of course, begs the question, why? Why the deception? Most of you know that Pizza Hut was the first (and only) pizza delivered into space but did you know that it was also the first pizza delivered to the White House? The Reagan White House, in fact. So we can safely assume that this is all part of some Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.
Pizza
Hut is an international food franchise specializing in pizzas. It was founded
in 1958 by two college students, Dan and Frank Carney (sounds
suspiciously like “Cheney”) in
I
couldn’t find much that was “suspicious” about Dan or Frank Carney but it is
safe to assume that they would have used aliases to do their dirty work. With
some quick detective work and the use of a super-computer I had on loan from
the Chinese I basically guessed that “Dan Carney” might have gone by the name
“Don Carney” since that would be easy for him to remember. Guess what I found
out next... Brace yourself… Don Carney was in “Rambling 'Round Radio
Row” (1933/I) with Charles 'Buddy'
I began to wonder if this had anything to do
with John Schnatter leaving the company to
found “Papa John’s”. Perhaps he was forced out because he knew too much, but
then I realized that this was just what those dirty infidels wanted me to waste
my time with. I was not going to follow their bread crumb trail of deceit. Oh,
but they are crafty.
So the question
is what do the Republicans want with these 5-700 million pounds of un-accounted
for cheese? Elementary dear Watson, they use it to secretly bribe those cheese-eating surrender-monkeys, The
French. It’s a nearly perfect evil-conservative plot. The Bush administration
and probably every republican administration dating back to the late 50’s have
an untraceable source of payola to keep the surreal might of the French
military at bay while pretending to stand in defiance of them. All the while
the burden is carried on the backs of the American consumer via the
sky-rocketing cost of the lunch buffet and George and his buddies in Big Cheese laugh all the way to the
bank.
Monsters.
Contact
the author at McPundit@RochesterWatch.com or Mark@RochesterWatch.com
